An Look At the Diary of the Trickster Priest
by Keimei
Summary: Should be "An Introspective Look..." Xelloss contemplates his feelings for Filia and how it all fits into his life


AN: A little introspective Xelloss piece. Forgive the explanations in it as it was written for English class and my teacher although allowing me to write a fanfic doesn't know anything about Slayers, at least to my knowledge anyway… Normally I write an intro, but I don't really feel like it today.

Warnings: Spoilers for Xel if you haven't seen up through NEXT I guess. 

Disclaimer: Not mine, but I can pray right?

_The setting is an opulent room, a bedroom furnished in deep purple and black. The room is dark, any light that might come through the windows blocked by heavy velvet curtains. On one wall is a desk, on another a dresser, and a third holds a door, presumably to a bathroom or closet. The fourth wall has the headboard of a canopied, four poster bed with the curtains drawn back and a small table, as well as an oddly shaped staff with a red jewel in it. There are silk purple sheets on the bed covered with a purple comforter and three pillows in black silk. There appears to be a man on the bed, young, probably in his early twenties, reclining comfortably, but with a pensive look on his face. He makes no effort to brush violet bangs from his face and keeps his purple eyes directed at the book he is writing in, ignoring the cup of tea on the table next to him. _

***

            I've never kept a journal or a diary before, I've never needed it. But I need to figure some things out, and the circles being drawn in my head aren't really helping any right now. Things really shouldn't be this confusing, they never have been. I know my place and I know my duties and although they are in constant danger of changing, they haven't, at least not in the past two thousand years or so. I am Xelloss Metallium, loyal Priest, and sometimes General, to Zelas Metallium, the Beast Master, one of the five who serve directly under Lord Shabranigdo. My job is to do exactly as she commands me, which makes sense since she created me, my mother in a sense. She hasn't always been very mother-like, but I digress. The purpose of this rant is not to question whether Zelas is my mother. 

           I am a monster. Literally. For those of you who don't know, the three main races of the world are monsters, humans, and dragons. Monsters are the ultimate evil, dragons are the ultimate good, and humans are the balance between us. I will not go into much detail here and explore why this is so and give examples that show everything is not so black and white, but this explanation suits my purposes for the moment. Just understand that it might be contradicted at some point. Again, excuse my digression. I'm usually not this wordy, but my mind seems to be trying to avoid the subject at hand, mainly that adorably dragoness with a temper, my dear Filia. She's the one that began this all, you know. Being the complete opposites that are races are, we have never gotten along. It began with the battle between Lord Shabranigdo and Cepheid at the time of creation and has continued on through their followers. It climaxed during the War of the Monster's Fall a thousand years ago, when I single-handedly wiped out almost all the Golden Dragons, Filia's people. It makes sense that she would hate me of course. Our first encounter showed both our prejudices. She called me 'Namagomi,' rotten garbage, erected a fence around me in the middle of the desert, and told me not to move. I wasn't that nice either I'll admit, I teased her about having a temper, but then again, I'm a monster. 

            There are a couple of things you have to understand, or at least know, about Monsters to really get what I'm going through. We are created from nothingness, and thus technically have no feelings; we are not capable of having positive emotions. We feed off negative emotions and do everything we can to encourage them. Causing chaos and returning the world to chaos, are our goals. Also, Monsters do not exist on the physical plane, only the astral one. The form seen by humans and other inhabitants of the physical plane is merely what we want them to see. (Over the years we've discovered a human form is the most useful, something the dragons figured out as well, which is why we both appear as we do.) This is why most attacks don't harm me, why Filia can hit me over the head with that mace of hers as many times as she wants, why I let Lina put my in headlocks, why I'm not concerned most of the time. Besides, I enjoy the pain. 

            I have fun baiting Filia too, and I did so constantly during our forced time together when trying to save the world from Dark Star, our Lord's counterpart in the Overworld. Filia's anger was delicious and satisfied my hunger for a few days at once, something I previously only gotten from Lina Inverse. Perhaps it's one of the reasons I stayed around, well, except for my orders that is. Zelas had decided that we were going to be the ones who brought the world back to chaos, not Valgaav and Dark Star and it was my job to either bring Valgaav back to us or kill him and stop Dark Star. 

            I've been going on for a while now, haven't I? From the looks of it, I haven't even gotten to the bottom of my problem yet. I'm surprised you haven't figured it out already. After all the talking, or is it writing, I've done on the differences and hatreds between Dragons and Monsters it should be pretty obvious. You see, after the battle ended we all went on with our lives. Filia escaped the oppressiveness of the Shrine she had been brought up in and opened a pottery/mace store in a small village near Seyruun to raise Val, the newly reborn Valgaav. (That's a long and confusing story I really don't want to go into right now.) I had gotten addicted to the taste of her fury and continued to drop in every so often and torture her a bit, all in fun you understand. I don't know when it happened, but we soon fell into a pattern. I'd come over twice a week, greet her charmingly, play with baby Val, and we'd drink tea while he took a nap. I'd get her angry at some point in the day and she'd chase me with that mace of hers, golden tail complete with pink bow popping out behind her because of her fury. There came a time when my comments stopped being so cruel, when she only swung at me half-heartedly. That's when things began to change.

            It was an odd courtship to be sure, and we're still in the middle of it. And I'm not so sure about everything anymore, an idea I'm not familiar with and certainly not comfortable with. I've always been in control. Always. Even when I wasn't sure exactly what was going on, like when Zelas lent me to Phibrizzo, I still had a plan. Now I don't. I'm beginning to think everyone is wrong, that Monsters can love. This, of course, shakes everything I've always believed and known. And Filia's a dragon. I killed half her race, our races have always and will always hate each other, and I have no idea what Zelas would do if she found out, if she doesn't already know. She has this talent that allows her to know everything. But there's this funny, unfamiliar feeling in me. It almost makes me sick actually. It seems… positive. And lately, Filia's emotions have been strange too. Of course they're just as angry when I provoke her, but at times she seems happy in my presence and she radiates even more positive emotions than she did before, something that I'm feeling my own aura.

            Perhaps it's love? A dragon and a demon, huh? It's an amusing idea, I'll give you that. What's that you say? Stop lying to myself? And how do you propose I do that? I have loyalties you know, loyalties to Zelas, to Shabranigdo, to myself… and to Filia. I suppose you're right. Being with her would be going against everything my people stand for, everything her people stand for. We're complete opposites anyway, well, besides that we both like tea. She's the embodiment of goodness; I'm the embodiment of evil. She's all for world peace, I'm all for returning the world to chaos. I'm counting the days until Zelas orders me to eliminate the last Golden Dragon, or attempt to turn her. Or the day when she tells me to take Val away from her, which I know would hurt her more than killing her. To Filia, that child is her way of redemption for the sins her people committed against the Ancient Dragons. And I could never hurt her like that, ruin that strange sense of friendship we have. And I would die if I had to hurt her in any way.

            I think this is one of those things I try never to think about. There is no solution, only choices to be made. Do I follow my nonexistent heart or my duty to my Master? Zelas created me; she spun me out of nothingness. I can be destroyed and replaced easily; there are plenty who would kill to have my place and there are some that have already tried, so it's not like she has any particular reason to keep me around. 

            There are things that have to be done now, though, important things that go along with my new realizations. There are things that have to be discussed, actions to be taken. I suppose I'll do what I normally do, see where fate takes me. The Lord of Nightmares, the Mother of All Things, must be having a field day with me right now. I'm pleased I can keep her entertained, one of the things that has probably kept me alive all these years. Well, at least one of us is having fun.  

            I suppose I've figured out what I had to. I know what's going on around and inside me, the purpose of writing this all down. To be on the safe side I should probably burn this, but I think I'll wait a little while. I might want to continue it later.    

***

_The young man sets the book and pen down on the table beside him. He picks up the tea cup, mutters something, and takes a few sips. He puts the cup back down, adjusts his cloak, and runs his fingers through his hair a couple of times. He ties a leather pouch around his waist and picks up the staff leaning against the wall. In the blink of an eye, he is gone. _

_Miles away, in a small village on the outskirts of Seyruun, a young man appears at the door of a small pottery shop. He opens the door and the bells tinkle pleasantly. A female voice welcomes him into the store and a young woman appears at the top of the stairs, an attractive blonde balancing a baby and a cup of tea. The young man smiles and the woman smiles back. They go into the kitchen and the woman hands the man a cup of tea, a golden tail trailing behind her._

~owari~

Review Please!!! ^_^


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